An Unwelcome Visitor

I had an old friend (and I use the term friend extremely loosely) come visit this past weekend. I only use the word friend, because she's been a companion for 35 years. She's probably known me longer and better than anyone. She's is not a welcome friend...in fact, just the opposite. I would never willingly invite her over for a visit.

She is me... my depressive me. I have a companion who is closer to me than even my husband or my kids. She shows up unexpectedly and stays for a day, a week, a month. This week she only stayed for a day or two. No matter how long she's stays, she is extremely unwelcome.

If you are at all like me, you like to have your homes cleaned up when we have guests come to visit. We like to dust and vacuum and put the dishes away (or at least in the dishwasher:). I know that I want to be prepared when people come over. Unfortunately, depression is a visitor that comes unannounced. There's no way to prepare for it. No housecleaning (figuratively speaking) happens before it shows up. No way to make sure that you are ready for it's visit.

I've lived with depression long enough to know that I am two different people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a split personality:), but I do have 2 distinct personalities depending on whether I'm depressed or not. The non-depressed me is fun, funny, likes to have people over, throws parties, plays with her kids, is kind to her husband. The depressed me is EGR. Extra Grace Required. My personality changes when my depression comes to visit. I don't want to be out and about. I become reclusive, unable to believe that anyone wants to be with me as an EGR. I don't enjoy being out and about at all, I yell at my kids, I'm mean to my husband. I'm sad, sad, sad. My husband knows this about me, but not everyone does. Most people still don't understand depression and think I'm just being kinda witchy. Even in this day and age with openness about mental health, I've had people ask me if I can't just "will" myself out of a depression. That's like asking a cancer patient why they can just think happy thoughts about chasing away the cancer cells and expecting it to happen.

Thankfully, with help from God, my husband and a couple medications (please don't email me to tell me the evils of medication for mental health, you'll never change my mind...I'll take it the rest of my life so that I can enjoy a better quality of life than I had before meds) I can live more days as me and not as my alternate EGR.

Today I just wanted to write about something very near to me and my family and let you know some of the ins and outs. You all probably know someone with a mental health issue. Please look at them in a new light this week. No one chooses depression, no one means for it to make your life more difficult (though we understand that it does sometimes), no one chooses to be EGR, no one wants to live that way, they aren't able to change it on their own.

I still pray constantly that God will heal me. I COMPLETELY believe that He can. For whatever reason He has chosen to not do that, I'm unsure. But, I know that because I am not healed I can share with you all what it's like to be on this side of the fence. I know you have to live with us, but let me remind you it's much more difficult on this side of the fence. We wish we were on your side:) Remember that when talking with your own special EGR this week.

Blessings to you all

Your favorite EGR friend

Brenda